Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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