I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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