Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
