he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
