I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize