whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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