jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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