just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
