She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
