we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
