Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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