She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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