I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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