Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
