I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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