Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Only a mothe r could love this liver
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
