guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
