Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
