my sisters under your porch take her home
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
