this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
