I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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