i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
