Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
