I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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