So drunk its hurt
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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