my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
a search helicopter?!
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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