My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
