We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
how does that bad decision feel?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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