Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
