Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
