im holly from the hills drunk
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Found the puke drawer
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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