My cat gives me a boner
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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