Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
