My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
