i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
