I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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