Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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