He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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