I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
