Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
