She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
