I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
