She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
