i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
