oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
