You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
