I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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