I'm eating all of the evidence.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
