I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
