Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
if only i could text you this smell
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
