my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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