just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
