dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
