Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
