Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
