That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
